I'm so bitter about 3rd grade…Let me take you back in time….
It was the spring of 1992. I was a wee little Britly… I was in 3rd grade, the Redskins had just won their 3rd Super Bowl Championship and there was no questions they would win several more in my lifetime (fuck you Dan Snyder for ruining my beloved Redskins). I was in the red reading group separated from the stutterers and slow kids, I had the freshest Bugle Boy matching sweat pant and sweatshirt combos in all of the 3rd grade, I had a couple girls with crushes on me and would give me their snacks out of their boxes, my trapper keeper was top notch, my best friend had a go-cart, everyone knew the back seat on the bus belonged to me, and I was consistently the 1st pick when choosing teams at recess. LIFE WAS GOOD MY FRIENDS!
Then it happened! Something that would change my life forever. Something that I would never recover from, and has affected me more than any other event in my entire life.
I GOT A C+ IN 3RD GRADE MATH!
Now you would think this wouldn’t be a big deal for most 3rd graders. But you would be wrong. You see, my mom is kind of/is crazy about shit like this. To her and Oprah, this signified me becoming a degenerate loser, and the C+ would send my life in a downward spiral that I would never recover from… so what did she do? She did what any insane, over controlling parent would do….She took me of my Little League Baseball Team! CAUSE clearly the demanding life of a Little Leaguer was distracting me from my studies. AND I would pay the ultimate consequence! MY LIFE WAS RUINED!!!
IF that wasn’t bad enough… I needed rehabilitation from my slacker, rebel against authority, C+ getting, 3rd grade ways…
So she sent me to the school guidance counselor… I remember the convo I had with the lady like it was yesterday…………
Counselor: So brit... what do you want to be when you grow up?
Brit: Professional Baseball player and Basketball Player.
Counselor: I see… So you want to play Pro Baseball or Basketball?
Brit: No Lady.. I was pretty fucking clear when I said I wanted to be a Pro Baseball AND Basketball Player... Both lady!
Counselor: Oh wow Brit. That is a pretty lofty goal you have.
Brit: Well lady. I’m pretty awesome at stuff. It's probably not going to be that hard.
Counselor: Oh I see... Well let's talk about your grades.. I see you got a C in Math. What happened there?
Brit: I dont know... It's kinda bullshit if you ask me.
Counselor: Why's that?
Brit: Well in the fall we were doing multiples up to 9, and now all of a sudden we are doing long division with remainders and shit.. Where is the natural progression? Seems to me like we skipped a few steps here... Plus I got all these bitches chasing me around. Shit is stressful out there lady!
Counselor: Well let's talk about your future...
Brit: Ya…. I’m going to be a pro baseball/basketball player.. It is going to be awesome. Plus my mansion is going to be blue and have a slide from my bedroom to my pool. What else is there to talk about?
THEN SHE SAID THE MOST IDIOTIC THING I HAVE EVER HEARD, AND I WILL NEVER FORGET.
Counselor: Well Brit, how are going to be a pro athlete if your math skills are weak? How are you going to keep score? Mmmmmkay?
I remember her saying that to me like it was yesterday. I looked down at the floor, while fiddling with my snap bracelet, and in true Keven Arnold, Wonder Years style, I thought to myself... What the fuck is wrong with this Lady? I’m not retarded! I got a C in long division! I can fucking count!
But the thing is….. She was right. I never did become a Professional Baseball/Basketball Player… And looking back on things, the only reason I can really point to as to why I have a mediocre job, and why my bedroom doesn’t have a slide coming out of it to the pool, is because I got a C+ in 3rd grade math. I mean, sure I was lazy in high school and never really applied myself, and sure I chose bong hits and beer pong over playing college basketball or baseball, but that couldn’t have been it. Nope it was clearly that C I got in 3rd grad! FUCK ME! If only I had listened to the retarded counselor lady and wasn’t such a little prick!
My dad eventually talked my mom into letting me play little league baseball that season. I had a pretty good season. Made the All Star team. Got a sweet plastic trophy. But I can’t help but think what would have happened if Mom really did kick me off the team. Maybe, I would have learned my lesson and right now, instead of writing on this terrible blog, I would be sliding down my slide coming out of my blue mansion, getting ready to go my pro baseball/basketball game..
I’M SO BITTER ABOUT THAT!
P.S... HOW GOOD OF A SHOW WAS THE WONDER YEARS? I would so pone Winney Cooper!
